you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
