my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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