Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
