I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
this hospital has no fireball
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
