Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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