just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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