No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
