ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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