have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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