I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
