I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
