I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
