i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
