There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.