Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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