I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.