I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
