i already hear my dad disowning me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
