Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's Friday. Sex?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
