remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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