why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm too high and old for this...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
