so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
