just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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