Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
