ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
