so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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