The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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