I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You're like the curious george of whores
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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