I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
