I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
