My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
