new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish you could order shots online.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
