Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How drunk are you??
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.