$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
