I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
