Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
