This is not my ceiling
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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