I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and she was petting her beer can
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
