you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
that is very illegal...i love you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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