I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
