How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
