onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
