Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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