Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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