where am i from again
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
