If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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