I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
