Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
