Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
