I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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