I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
