I queefed so loud it echoed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
