remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
