how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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