I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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