I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
