nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
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We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.