In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman