literally had 100 drinks last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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