You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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