some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
